


A Totally Unfamiliar Silhouette

by t0talcha0s



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Canon Compliant, Chimera Ant Arc, Gen, I wrote it as gen but read whatcha want, Introspection, Third Person POV, nigh character study, sad boy alert sorry y’all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:08:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24638086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/t0talcha0s/pseuds/t0talcha0s
Summary: Nothing about the boy in front of him, the man in front of him, new muscle a bitter imitation of the Gon he knew, was familiar. But something about the situation, Gon draped over Killua’s spine, felt like a repeat.
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 4
Kudos: 30





	A Totally Unfamiliar Silhouette

**Author's Note:**

> Title is a quote from the manga that fucks! Me! Up!

Months ago Killua had Gon in this same position, draped over his back, limp and breathing scary-deep into the corner of his shoulder. Not this Gon though, this Gon was totally unfamiliar. The Gon on Killua’s back felt heavier than the testing gates, hundreds of tons of muscle and dead weight. His hair fell down around Killua’s ankles, tripping him up every few steps. Killua’s nen is spent, no Godspeed to aid the process, just the slow plodding of feet through mud one step after the other. Gon’s arm, the one still attached to his body, fell down and draped lifelessly around Killua’s ribs. This Gon was unrecognizable. Killua’s Gon, the one he had carried out of NGL so many tragedies ago, was shorter than he was. That Gon, months ago, still felt like he was Killua’s. He hadn’t lost him yet. Now. Now he wasn’t so sure. 

Back then Gon was light on Killua’s spine. Back then the pressure of Gon’s legs hiked up onto his hips dug into his side and the limp grip-less feeling of Gon’s hands dangling over his shoulders kept his breath stuck up high in his throat. It was terrifying to feel him lifeless like this, even more so to know he caused it. He held Gon closer to him, concentrating on his breath to keep the wetness that pressed up against his eyelids from spilling over. He tightened his sweaty grip on Gon’s thighs and ignored his exhaustion. It was an unconscious moment, Killua’s feet moving stone solid one then the other, his body out of his control with the need to protect Gon. Killua’s thoughts came like the impact of bullets 

_We were outclassed from the beginning_

_If we weren’t there Kite would still be alive_

_I didn’t restrain myself when I hit Gon_

_How were we so overconfident_

_We were fools_

Killua crouched at the base of the trees which served as the bridge into NGL. He laid Gon down gently, ensuring his head rested naturally on one of the raised roots. He was sure to be in pain from Killua’s actions and Killua couldn’t take the guilt of causing him anymore discomfort. Killua removed his effort soaked shirt and, after draping it over Gon’s chest to provide him some pittance of warmth, slid down to rest next to Gon’s head. His back was wet with sweat and itched terribly against the bark. He was tired mostly, and angry, a terrible churning upset prickling cooly across his skin. At Gon, at himself, at this miscommunication between them. At the idea that there was some ability for miscommunication now. He pulled his feet closer to his body, hiding his head between his knees. Fat, warm tears fell down his cheeks, met and formed a single waterfall off his chin. 

_Am I worthy enough to stand by his side?_

At that thought. Because the answer immediately came to hin, the answer was immediately no and it doubled his tears, a puddle of salt forming on the wet dirt. Something felt different about this failure. This one felt like their fault. It wasn’t that they needed more training, it wasn’t the fickle intervention of villains or family members, it wasn’t the charming self-destructive will of children who wanted to test themselves against people far stronger. It was simple: Gon distracted Kite, Killua hurt Gon, Kite died, Killua ran. Simple. Blame was easy. For the first time Killua didn’t just disagree with Gon’s actions he worked against them. He stopped Gon from doing what he wanted and though Killua knows, he _knows,_ Gon would have died if he fought that thing he also knows Gon’s will is strong and Gon would never have run on his own. And he had hurt Gon. The swirling wrongness of it all sat right under his lower eyelid, drawing tears up and out like endless scarves, one colorful square after the other, staining the dirt red and yellow and orange and blue, blue, wet blue. 

And then there was Netero, and Morel, and Knov, and Palm, and Biscuit, and Shoot, and Knuckle and Killua’s shame fell out of his eyes and into his throat and down nestled in his chest and it wrapped itself around his heart and _squeezed._ Again Gon’s chest against Killua’s back, hiked up on thin hips away from a fight with Knuckle. Again failure and again back into the wilderness to fight those same ants, the same corpse hanging over their heads, a new suicidal fury in Gon’s eyes. 

So here Gon was, just barely not-dead, Killua had to repeat incessantly _not dead not dead Not Dead,_ nestled against the familiar heat of Killua’s back. _You did it_ Killua thought _all by yourself, but you did it_ and Killua didn’t know where that left him. The weight of Gon’s body on his spine lightened, evaporating from Killua’s grip. He pulled Gon’s wrinkled, mummy thighs tighter, tighter to his waist. If he held Gon tight he couldn’t disappear, he couldn’t die, he would stay and he would be alive and he would be twelve again and he would look at Killua with those big amber eyes that wouldn’t hold the certainty of death and Killua could finally let out the breath he’d be holding for _months._

That frail body in the hospital, brown and pitiful. Killua couldn’t stand to see it. When he finally released Gon from his back, didn’t want to lose contact with him because he didn’t know how else to ensure himself that Gon was Alive, the sight of his withered not-corpse caused him to heave. Killua had seen corpses, countless, hadn’t wretched like this, dry convulsions against the lining of his throat, an entirely new body of grief. This was different, this was Gon. He had to remove himself from the room, couldn’t stand the sight of countless intrusions into the body of the boy who was his, his light, his best friend, his Gon, it had to still be him. Killua couldn’t fathom what he’d do if it wasn’t, the uncertainty peeling him raw. Prayed to himself that it was the same. 

_It’s the same thing,_ He thought, clenching his hands into cruel fists at his side _every time the same thing, you keep running ahead and I clean up your mess. Same as ever. I know it’s not going to stop, but you’d better apologize Gon. I’ll make you better and I’ll make you apologize!_

The determination to see Gon better, to see him healed, led Killua home, led Killua to his sister, back again to that damned hospital room, cradling Alluka’s hand in his. 

“Hand” Nanika requests, reaching for Gon. And Killua reaches under the hospital sheets and gently, gently, grasps Gon’s wrist. It feels like tissue paper. Feels like it’ll pull apart muscle and bone into nothing in Killua’s hand. He has to bite his cheek _hard_ to keep himself from letting out the pitiful sobs that stuck harsh in his throat. Killua had nearly forgotten, expected to feel the healthy flesh of island-tanned skin, the smooth creases of muscle he’d trained alongside, the scent of Gon that had stuck itself to him no matter how aggressively he bathed. His Gon, he’d expected. The one he’d known, he’d held cradled to him in hurt, that one. He was wrong. Doesn’t know if he can remain by this boy’s side, if he has any right to. 

Nanika takes the hand, Gon’s hand, and light comes blinding and oppressive. Killua knew he was crying and knew the brightness, never a problem before with Gon, wasn’t the cause.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank fuck this is finally off my phone I’d been picking at it for forever. I hope y’all liked it! Do tell me if you do. If you don’t, me neither and whatever man ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> I’ve been leaving my tumblr here for 99 fics and I ne’er go on it, I’m starting a new era hmu on twitter @poetforprofit


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